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Clean Jokes for Seniors

We got over 300 requests for:  “More Clean Jokes for Seniors.”

So, here you go.

By the way, most of these new ones were sent in by our readers, just like you. So, if you have a favorite you want to add, please send it to us here: Clean Jokes for Seniors.

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Funny and Clean Jokes for Seniors

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   A WALK IN THE PARK

"One night, to my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.

"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"

The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."  ~  from Ella D.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   WHY?

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She's not only beautiful, she rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "OK. That sounds great. But, why are you crying?"

He said, "Well, later for lunch," He sobs, "she makes me homemade soup and my favorite brownies. Then after she cleans the house, she watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."

I said, "Well, that's fantastic! But,why are you crying?"

He said, "Then, can you believe this, for dinner she makes me a gourmet meal every night? Every night. With wine and my favorite dessert and then she rubs my feet and sings to me until I fall asleep."

I asked again, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"

He said, "I can't remember where I live!"

I choked on a celery stick this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”  ~  from Florence H.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   TWO ELDERLY LADIES

Two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades were playing cards together one afternoon. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures together.

On this day, in the middle of a conversation, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me dear…..I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend sat silently and  glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. At last she said, “How soon do you need to know?”  ~  from Peggy B.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   ISHMAEL

Ishmael is lying on his death bed... ...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is he here?"

"I sit here, you meshuggener old man," says Abraham, laughing despite his grief.

"You are a good boy, Abraham," whispers Ishmael. "And my darling daughter Sarah, where is she?"

"Papa, I love you!" cries Sarah as she draws a tissue to her face.

"And my grandchildren? Ezekial, Ruth, Emmanuel, Seraphine, Bartholomew?"

"We are all here, grandpapa!" the children cry in unison.

"So my family, all my family, is here with me now?" asks Ishmael.

"Yes, of course, dear," soothes Elena.

"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"  ~  from Roth G.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   THE MERCEDES BENZ

An elderly couple return to a Mercedes Benz dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty young blonde.

“I thought you were going to hold that car for us until we raised the $75,000 asking price. “ said the man. “Yet, I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You assured us there could be no discount on this model.”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had ready cash, and… just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”

“See you later grandpa!”

Never mess with the elderly.  ~  from Tracy B.

The older I get, the less surprised I think I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.  ~  from John D.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   DUCKS IN HEAVEN

Three old guys are out for the night driving around and talking.  Suddenly they all die together and go to heaven all at the same time.

St. Peter says, “Gentlemen, we only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as
they are God’s favorite creation.”

Then they enter heaven. There are ducks everywhere! As they move along, it’s almost impossible NOT
to step on a duck.

Then the first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here
comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains
them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman
forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter
comes with another really ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and
doesn’t step on any ducks. Life is unbelievably grand. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this
beautiful woman, a blue-eyed brunette, very young and very sexy. He chains
them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is unbelieveable. Fantastic! I wonder what I did to deserve
this?”

The beautiful young lady says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”  ~  from Frank K. and suddenlysenior.com

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   THE PARROT and THE CHICKEN

An older fellow who lived alone decided he wanted to add a pet companion to his life. After thinking long and hard about the decision, he bought a parrot and brought it home.

The parrot was not the great companion he was hoping it would be. As soon as he got iy home it started insulting him and saying terrible things.

In a moment of frustration the man takes the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson.

It's not long before the rude parrot stops squaking and is totally silent. The man panics and opens the freezer. The parrot calm;y walks out and says: "I apologize for offending you. I was rude. I humbly ask for your forgiveness."

The man replies: "Thank you. I forgive you. And, I'm sorry too."

Then the parrot says: "If you don't mind me asking, what did the chicken do?"

However, the parrot almost immediately starts insulting the older man and gets really rude. In a moment of frustration, the man picks up the parrot and tosses it into the freezer to teach it a lesson. But when the bird stops squawking, the man panics and opens the freezer. The parrot walks out, looks up at the man, and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man replies, “Well, thank you. I forgive you, and I’m sorry too.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking… what’d the chicken do?”  ~  from Don Baker and scarymommy.com

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   IRIS COHEN in ROOM 503

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Clair's Hospital and timidly asked: "Can anyone there please tell me how one of your patients is doing?"

The receptionist replied: "I'll be happy to help you. What is the patient's name and room number?"

The sweet old lady, in a weak and shy voice, said: "Iris Cohen. Room 503."

The receptionist replied: "Sure honey. Hold on for a minute and I'll check with the nurse for her room."

In a couple of minutes the receptionist was back. "I have very good news for you darling, her nurse just told me Iris is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work came back normal. And, her physician has her scheduled to be discharged tomorrow morning."

The sweet old lady to a great sigh of relief. "Thank you so much. That's wonderful news. I was very worried. And, thank you for being so kind."

The operator replied: "You are so very welcome. Is Iris your daughter?"

The sweet old lady said: "Oh no. I'm Iris Cohen in room 503. No one here tells me anything."  ~  from Sadie G. and elderoptionsoftexas.com

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   HARRIAT and BOB

Harriat was making a simple breakfast of two fried eggs for her husband Bob. Suddenly Bob burst into the kitchen and shouted, "Careful! Careful please!"

In a moment he continued, "More butter. Put in more butter. The pan is a little small. Those are large eggs."

Another brief moment passes and he says, "Turn them now. You need to turn them right now.... and we need more butter.... Oh my gosh. Where's the rest of the butter?.... They're going to stick. Oh,.. they're going to stick.... Careful!! Go slower when you turn them. Be more gentle.... Please... Be Careful!....

You never listen to me when you're cooking. Never! OK.

Turn them again. Hurry. Turn them now or they'll get overdone.... Don't forget the salt. You always forget the salt... Salt honey. Please. Salt!.....

Harriet puts the eggs on a plate, hands them to Bob and stares at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? Do you think I can't fry a couple of eggs?"

Bob: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."  ~  from Bob R.

OK. This next one isn't a joke. It's just plain fun and it's stuff that makes us feel good. So, we're including it here for you to enjoy too.

Always Remember: it's never too late to be a kid again.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  BE A KID AGAIN


- Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
- Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces.
- Grow a milk mustache.
" Smile back at the man in the moon.
- Read the funnies--throw the rest of the paper away.
- Dunk your cookies.
- Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.
- Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach.
- Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
- Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.
- Change into some play clothes.
- Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.
- Have a staring contest with your cat. - Eat ice cream for breakfast.
- Kiss a frog, just in case.
- Blow the wrapper off a straw.
- Refuse to eat crusts.
- Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no".
- Watch TV in your pajamas.
- Ask "Why?" a lot
- Have someone read you a story.
- Eat dessert first.
- Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
- Sneak some frosting off a cake.
- Refuse to back down in a "did vs. did-not argument".
- Get someone to buy you something you don't really need.
- Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
- Stay up past your bedtime.
- Whatever you're doing, stop once in a while for recess.
- Wear red gym shoes.
- Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
- Play a song you like really loud, over and over.
- Let the string all the way out on your kite.
- Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.
- Fuss a little, then take a nap.
- Take a running jump over a big puddle.
- Giggle a lot for no real reason.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   THE iPHONE

I asked my granddaughter to give me the phone book.

She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her iPhone.

So, the spider is dead, the iPhone id broken, and my granddaughter is furious.

~  from Russell M.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   BILLY GRAHAM STORY


Before he died, Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”

The driver said, "No problem. Be my guest!" Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.


The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
 He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."


The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"


The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”  ~  from Martha B.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   SPEEDING

A little old Grandma gets pulled over for speeding...

Granny: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding

Granny: Oh, I see

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Granny: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Granny: Lost it. 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Granny: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Granny: Well.... I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Granny: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Granny: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the her vehicle. A police Caotain slowly approaches her car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Captain: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Granny: Is there a problem officer?

Captain: One of my officers told me this is a stolen vehicle and you murdered the owner.

Granny: Murdered the owner?

Captain: Yes ma'am. Could you open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Captain: Is this your car, ma'am?

Granny: Yes, here are the registration papers. And here is my license.

The Captain examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Captain: Thank you ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Granny: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.  ~   from Joey L.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   NEW HEARING AIDS

An elderly gentleman with severe hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month, he goes back for a checkup.  The doctor asks him how things are going now
that he can hear everything, and wonders if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet.  I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times already!"

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   THE FERRARI

A very successful young man goes to the dealership and buys the best car available: a 2022 Ferrari.

They tell him this Ferrari is the best and most expensive car in the world.

So, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a redlight. An old man on a moped (looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 2022 Ferrari. They cost about half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car sonny."

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 210 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Determined not to be passed, he floors it, but suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. "Ha, I'm passing him!"

Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "'Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!! Of course the moped and the old man are banged up for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"  ~  from Mike R.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  CRAZY

My kids laugh at me because they think I’ve gone crazy.

I laugh because they don’t know it’s hereditary.  ~  from Walter M.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   ROSE

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park. They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says, "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks Fred.

"They teach us to remember things through word association." replies Harold.

Fred says, "I might have to give it a try, what's the name of the clinic?"

Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember,... he says "Ummm, ahh, hang on... um... what's the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?"

Fred says "That'd be a rose, Harold.

Harold turns to his wife and says "Rose!, what's the name of that clinic I go to?"  ~  from  Rose H.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   The New, AGE APPROPRIATE BARBIE DOLLS

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended- lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

5. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.

6. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

7. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $1,999.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.  ~  from Barbara A.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   THE SEMINAR

There was a "Marriage Seminar" at St. Vincent's and the Father John asked Giuseppe, now 66 years old and married to the same woman for 46 years, if he would come and speak.

Giuseppe said, "Sure Father. Anything for you"....

The day came. And, as the Seminar moved along, Father John introduced Giuseppe and asked him: "So Giuseppe, how were you able to stay married to the same woman for 46 years?"

Giuseppe replied: "Well Father, I treated her as well as I possibly could. I spent almost all my money buying her whatever she wanted. But, the best thing I ever did was take her back to Italy on our 20th anniversary."

Father John smiled at Giuseppe and said: "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here today. Now, can you tell us what you might do for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied: "I'm gonna go back and get her."  ~ from Mario T.

Sweet Story of the Month

This little story is not one of our jokes for seniors. It's just a very sweet story sent in as a submission by one of our Grandmothers. And, it is so heart warming that we had to include it for you.

The child that wrote it is her granddaughter, 7 year old Annie M:

WHAT IS A GRANDMOTHER?  ~  by Annie M.

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market and have a lot of dimes ready.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They are the only grown ups who never say "hurry up".

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out.

Grandmothers always have good things for us to eat.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart, they only have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "'How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have a TV, because they are the only grown-ups who always have time.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  WHITE HAIR

5 year old daughter: “Mom why is some of your hair white?”

Mom: “Because every time you make me upset, one hair turns white.”

Daughter, horrified: “Mom, what did you do to grandma?!”  ~  from Shelly L.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   MARGARETTE THE DUCK

A sad woman brought a very limp duck Margarette into her veterinarian's office. After she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry dear, your duck, Margarette, has  passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes dear, I am sure. Your duck is dead. I'm sorry." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. Right?"

The vet gently patted her hand, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom... He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet petted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, your duck most definitely has passed on."

The vet then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "For what? $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry dear. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."  ~  from Eloise Hunter

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   WHAT I'D LIKE TO HEAR....

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great professors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow".

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say......Look! He's moving!!"  ~  from Gary B.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   I HOPE YOU GET BETTER

A young man who volunteers to play music for elderly residents in retirement homes went to one of his regular locations in the Bronx. He set up his electric piano and waited for the elderly people to arrive.

When everyone had arrived, the young man carefully told a few jokes, sang some funny songs, and as he was finishing up he wished everyone well and said, "I hope you get better."

One elderly man replied, "I hope you get better too."

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   BILLIE JEAN

A man is sitting at the breakfast table enjoying his Sunday Newspaper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head.

Husband: "What was that for honey?"

Wife: "I found a piece of paper in your jacket pocket with 'Billie Jean' written on it."

Husband: "Oh Jeeze honey. Remember I went to the track last week and won $30? Billie Jean was the name of the horse I bet on." She shrugs and walks back into the kitchen.

A few minutes later she walks back in and smacks him on the back of the head again.

"What was that for!!?"

"Your horse just called."  ~  from Anna O.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:   KNITTING

A state trooper pulled along side a speeding driver and is shocked when he sees a elderly woman behind the wheel knitting. The trooper rolled down the window and yelled, "Pull Over!"

"No!" yelled the woman, "It's a cardigan!  ~  from Alice C.

A Funny Mary Maxwell
VIDEO

To end off this series of clean jokes for senior citizens, we want to share this Video with you.

It's a very funny VIDEO from our friend Mary Maxwell. If you don't know who she is already, you're now going to remember her for sure. She's one of the funniest senior citizens out there.

In this Video, Mary was asked to give the invocation at a Home Instead Senior Care convention.

What at first seems like a normal prayer takes a hilarious turn in Mary's unique and wonderful comedic style. Her deadpan delivery makes her jokes catch you off guard and you just can't help laughing.

Enjoy!

More Clean Jokes for Seniors

CONCLUSION

We hope you enjoyed all these great clean jokes for seniors that were sent in by our readers.

We had a ball putting this page together for you. If you have some of your own jokes to share, please send them here.

May You Have a Very Happy Day! ~ William, Fiona, and Charlotte

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