Clean Jokes
for
Senior Citizens

How about some FUNNY, Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens?

Yeah? Good!

There are lots of them.



I don’t know about you, but, I’m good for hearing a great joke any time of day. What about you?

Agree?

All of us here at We Love Our Granny .com are totally into hearing a good new one any time of day. And, we’re old. We like them clean.

So, we’re going to give you the best ones we’ve found. AND, we’re going to ask YOU to contribute the best ones you know so that we all can have a laugh each day! OK?

Send us your best ones here.

Seriously. We want to share more clean jokes for senior citizens with all of our readers. And, if you like, we’ll attach your name credit to it!

And NOW, here are some for you.
We hope they make your day!

Our Best
Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Married Four Times

"The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it...)
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up now and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) ha!”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  One of the shortest wills ever written: “Being of sound mind, I spent all the money.” —Submitted by Arthur Bland

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”  -  Submitted by Ron Ashland

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  There was this little old lady who was late for church. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. It didn’t take long before a police man pulls her over and says “Ma’am, can I see you license, please?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

He tries again, “Well then, can I please see your registration?” She hangs her head and says, “I apologize officer. I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk. I feel so bad.”

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE.” The officer frantically calls in to his walkie-talkie… .

Within minutes there are sirens blaring, lights flashing, half a dozen police car are surrounding the woman’s car.  The Chief of Police steps out and walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license, please?”

“Of course, officer.” she smiles sweetly and pulls out a license from her purse.

He squints warily at it. “This looks good.”

“Can I see the registration to this car?” She reaches into her purse again and hands it to him. He looks at it, then hands it back to her.

“Ma’am, can you pop the trunk, please?”

“Certainly officer.” He steps back, but, it is completely empty.

The little old lady shakes her finger at the first officer and says accusingly, “And, I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”  -  Submitted by Mrs. Gretta King,  Elder Options of Texas

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Peanut Joke (this is a famous one)

Thinking that this presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself and improve his popularity, his committee advised him to visit an old age home and chat with the residents.

The candidate walked into the room of an old kind looking man. With the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man smiled at him and offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee. He took a few and ate them.

After being offered more for the 3rd time the candidate asked the kind old fellow, “Why don’t you have some with me?”

“Oh, no thank you. “ The old fellow replied. “I can’t eat them. I don’t have any teeth.”

“So why do you have them?” asked the candidate. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it.” he replied.  - Submitted by Don Hathaway

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Grandma Joke

Grandma Annie’s first great-grandchild was born.  After a few weeks, when the parents said they needed a little break, Grandma Annie was given the job of watching the child.

During the day Annie’s friend Ruthie comes to visit. “Let me see the little cutie,” says Ruthie.

“Not yet”, Sally responds.

About five minuted later Ruthie asks again. Again, she is refused.

So, in a little bit Ruthie asks one more time and is refused again. “What are you waiting for?”, Ruthie shouts out.

“I’m waiting for her to cry. “ says Annie.

“Why??” Ruthie exclaims.

“Because I forgot where I put her.

- Submitted by Sharon Wojinski

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Memory Problems

Joke A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”
~ from suddenlysenior.com



Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Joy of Sharing

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out
the French fries, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in
front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then
set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old
couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over
to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were
used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him
buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were
used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is
it that you are waiting for?
She answered, “The teeth.”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Can You Hear Me?????? (another famous one!)

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Joe asks Peter:

"Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!" - Peter replies: "No, I have a cat.” - short-funny.com

A Classic in Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Will I Live To 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80." - Submitted by Richard Johanson

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  I Hope You Get Better

“- A young man who volunteers to sing to patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in the Bronx and took his musical instruments along. He told some jokes and sang some songs at the patients’ bedsides. When he was finished for the afternoon he said, in all sincerity, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.” - Submitted by Natalie Karrell

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Famous Man

On day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him [because, of course, everybody knows him]. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you.”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Driver

A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse." 
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!”  - Submitted by George Obrian

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days afterward, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.’"

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Two Young Brothers were spending the night at their grandparents' home.

When it was time for bed, the two boys knelt down and began to say some prayers.

Suddenly, the younger brother started yelling at the top of his voice, "I PRAY FOR A BICYCLE! I PRAY FOR A NEW COMPUTER! I PRAY FOR A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!" and so on...

His older brother leaned over and whispered, "There's no need to shout. God isn't deaf."

"I know," said the younger brother. "But Grandma sure is!”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Wintery Day

On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.

The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.

Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Surgeon

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me. Your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…."

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Old Magicians

Old magicians never die, they just disappear.

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Three Sisters

     Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 ear old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
      
      The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
      
      The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood," and she knocked on the table. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”  - Joel Osteen

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Minister

  A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
      
      The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
      
      One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
      
      Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
      
      There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog.” - Submitted by Tommy Bennidetto

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Ten Dollars (one of my personal favorites)

Every year, Sammy and his wife Matilda went to the annual State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Matilda, I'd like to ride in that antique airplane." And every year, Matilda would reply, "I know, Sammy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Sammy and Matilda went to the fair and Sammy said, "Matilda, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Matilda replied, "Sammy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you anything, but, if you say one word it's ten dollars." Sammy and Matilda agreed, and up they went.

The pilot performed all kinds of acrobatic twists and turns, he did rolls and dives, but there was not a word is heard. So, he even did a nose dive, pulling up the old plane just 15 feet above the ground. But, still not a word.

After they landed, the pilot turned to Smitty and said, "By golly Mister, I did everything I could think of to get you two to yell out, but you didn't." 
       
      Sammy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Matilda fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Snow

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother doing the dishes at the kitchen sink. She was noticing that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

After a while she said, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother, wanting to get some sympathy replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this for a while, and then asked, 
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Ice Cream Sundae

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget little things. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire, or, something similar. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this was a great idea. They left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. 


When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream?”

“OK Sweetheart.” He replied.

“And, my darling, why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

“Well then," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly, my love.” replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now, that’s a lot to remember. So, you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.


"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making all kinds of noise that had nothing to do with preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later with a large smile on his face, and, presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “My darling, did you forget the toast?”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  The Senility Prayer:

God grant me the Senility
      to forget the people I never liked anyway,
      the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
      and the eyesight to tell the difference…




Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Lasting Love

       Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"
      
      Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
      
      Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
      
      Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!”

Clean Jokes for Senior Citizens:  Walking on Water

        A young man named Adam heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Adam and his good friend Billy headed out to the lake.
      
      "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
      
      When Adam and Billy got to the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling out to the middle of the water. Once they got there, Adam took off his shoes and stepped off the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.

      Embarrassed and ashamed, he and Billy rowed for home. When Adam arrived back at the family farm, he told his grandmother what happened and asked her, "Grandma, why can’t I walk on water like my Daddy, and his father, and his father before him?"
      
      The feeble old grandmother took Adam by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear.”

This one is a True Story, BUT, we had to include it here because it is so Funny!:

"I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again.

Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time." - from:  BestLifeForSeniors

this last one is a real Sweet One:

Wrinkles

An elderly woman and her young grandson, whose face was just covered in freckles, spent a day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with all kinds of colorful designs.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a little girl in the line giggled…
.

The little boy dropped his head in shame and embarrassment.

His grandmother saw what happened and knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles, Honey. You know, when I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful are the most beautiful thing you can see on someone’s face."

The boy looked up, "Really?" "Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's more beautiful than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment. Then he looked up so sweetly into his grandma's eyes, and softly whispered..... “Wrinkles."

Please:
Add to The List

This is for all of us. Let’s enjoy our senior lives every day. Let’s make it the best and most fun time ever. Regardless of what’s going on with us.

Share your best clean jokes for senior citizens with us here.

Did You Have
a
Good Laugh?

We really hope so. And, we hope you have enjoyed this page of good old fashioned clean jokes for senior citizens.

We had a ball putting it together and finding the contributions from seniors, just like you, in our email box.

So, PLEASE remember to send us the best joke you know so that we can all continue to have a good laugh each day. Let’s grow this list and bring a smile to more people just like us.



Wishing YOU a Very Happy and Joyous Day!   ~ William, Fiona, and Charlotte

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